VerityForge

Forgotten Notes & Fragments

9 min read

2025

2024

-PTSD/ADHD/Anahadonia

PTSD point

-A childs brain lacks the mechanisms to understand that everything is not the direct cause of their actions.

-Watching mom get hit while assuring me everything was okay taught me what acceptable treatment looks like.

  • Both of the above lead to my inability to recognize others at fault. Combined with my lack of trust in my memory, it feels impossible to hold those who mistreat me accountable.

-Self worth being brought into question is a trigger. When you begin to feel as though you’re failing your body and brain recognize it as a physical threat. You can fight it for a while, but that much “I am in danger” chemicals flooding the brain over an extended period of time is literally nuerotoxic. Eventually your freez response grows to near paralysis

-The “out of body” panic attacks are my hyperactiveated freeze response. The self harm activates your flight and gives you the ability to move. The

2018

After what felt like an eternity, the light began to take on the shape of a rectangle. I approached the rectangle, and the panic seesed. The orange light was emanating from the seams of a door. I couldn’t make out any details of the door in the intense darkness that still surrounded me, but I reached of the handle anyway. I felt the cold metal fill my palm, but just as I began to turn the knob my surroundings changed.**

No one experiences life in the same reality. On the surface level (One who is of sound health,  and able bodied, navigates and experiences this world far differently than someone wheelchair bound, or terminally ill.) up to a cosmic scale (How we experience color, music, emotions, feelings.) No matter the words at our disposal, you cannot accurately convey, measure, or quantify what it is to feel an emotion. What color a tree is, sure green, but there is no way of knowing whether or not your green is experienced in the same way I was taught red was. We can only ever experience, and preserve this world as we do. Simply. 

Then! We have to try our best to navigate thisbworld woth a bunch of other people, living on the same plane of existance, but in entirely different realities. Everyone is the main character, in there own story, in a story where everyone is also the main character. Like jesus, no wonder things are so difficult. (Our level of communication is limited simply by our biology. Talking is our very best chance at experesing emotion, and that is simply air being pushed out of our body through a muscle that tences and relaxes, passig vibrations through our mouth while it open and closes as our oddly dextrious toung flicks about in different patterns depending on what your trying to convey, and what language your speaking. Like thats outr best bet at conveying what heartbreak, love, dispare, and bliss feel like. Writing slows things down, but thats limited to however many letter you have in your alphabet, and how many patterns you have learned you can put them in.)

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